


If we don't leave this town we might never make it out

by fullmoonyelena



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, High School, High School AU, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Shoni - Freeform, Shoni endgame, The Wilds, Yearning, shelby is shy, shelby narrates, this made me emotional to write, toni and shelby au, toni reaches out to shelby, unsinkable 8
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28657368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoonyelena/pseuds/fullmoonyelena
Summary: In an alternate universe, Shelby and Toni go to the same high school but lead very different lives. Shelby is the queen bee, but she secretly pines for the girl she knows she can never have. Toni is trying to fly under the radar but she isn't afraid to stand up for herself when needed. One night out at the bowling alley will change everything, but they risk losing everything in the process.
Relationships: Becca Gilroy/Shelby Goodkind, Regan/Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Andrew, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 51
Kudos: 171





	1. God save the prom queen

**Author's Note:**

> TW for homophobia, language, and emotional/physical abuse. I'm new to publishing on here so if this is the wrong way to do a trigger warning please let me know so I can have it right in the future

"You look awesome babe," Andrew said from the bottom of the stairs. He was leaning against the door jamb and watching her walk downstairs. Shelby felt uncomfortable with how he was staring at her- her parents were only a room away and even though they loved Andrew, seeing him rake his eyes along her body like he was might make them uncomfortable. She understood. He made her uncomfortable sometimes too. 

Shelby didn't say any of this. She gave him a demure smile and hurried the rest of the way down the stairs, taking his outstretched hand and letting him lead her to his truck. "Be back no later than midnight!" her father hollered from inside the house. 

Shelby winced when she heard him yell. He was usually so proper, cared so deeply about manners and looking respectable. Every Sunday morning he could be found ironing the whole family's church clothes so they looked perfect standing next to him greeting the churchgoers- this was remarkable as it was one of the only times he ever did chores. But tensions had been so high lately that he was messing up, letting cracks form in his perfect family man exterior. Here he was, shouting loud enough for the whole block to hear. 

"You alright?" Andrew asked, but he was examining his fingernails like he really couldn't care less. 

"Yep!" Shelby said brightly. She climbed into the passenger seat and motioned for Andrew to drive. He didn't ask any more questions. 

As they drove, Shelby leaned her forehead against the cool window glass and watched their suburb speed past, bathed in the light of fast food restaurant signs and neon crosses. She hated everything she saw. Nothing made her angrier than driving through the suburban sprawl, neatly containing all the hypocrites who thought they were God's chosen ones, who loved her when she was winning pageants and singing at church but would throw her out in the cold if they knew the truth. 

She wouldn't say any of this to Andrew. Ever. In fact, the list of things they actually could talk about was shrinking by the minute. They complained about teachers a lot. Andrew thought every class was useless if it didn't involve him on the football field earning him a scholarship, but he dutifully did the work. The perfect son. Still, there was plenty to complain about, and they gleefully abused the reputations of teachers who assigned too much weekend reading or essay tests. Sometimes they talked about life after school, but Andrew was going to college a half hour away and planned to stay in this town and get married and have three kids and the whole plan was so simple and perfect and exactly the opposite of what Shelby wanted that whenever it came up she wanted to scream. The reality of the situation was that they'd been dating since eighth grade, when it was reasonable to not talk much and act like the other had cooties, and now they were seniors and only just starting to realize they had nothing to say to each other. 

Which was fine. Shelby had never particularly loved dating Andrew, how he decided everything for her, like what shoes to wear on their dates and what kind of sandwich to buy from the cafeteria, and how he spoke over her, and how chummy he was with her family. She'd dump him on the spot if not for how it would look. The fear of that governed just about everything. 

What it meant though was that they desperately needed to do activities. Gone were the days when they spent time laying on Shelby's bedroom floor looking at the stickers she'd put on the ceiling as a kid (her father had yelled at her for damaging the paint and Shelby had left them up as some tiny act of defiance) and talking. They devolved into silence far too easily. Now, they went out to eat or to a movie or go-karting or to mini golf. Anything to keep them at each other's side but distracted. 

Tonight they were going bowling. 

The bowling alley was the place to be on Saturdays. It was always hopping, the seats were always sticky with spilled soda, and some bratty little kid always snickered if you missed a shot, but Shelby loved it. Of course, she avoided Alley 4 and that one pillar by the snack bar like the plague, just being near them made her feel sick and swept her up in memories. Standing there she could almost see Becca’s curls bouncing as she took her shot and smell her jasmine perfume. But in general, the place was loud and fun, it took her mind off of school and home and made talking to all her fake friends an impossibility. 

Tonight the air smelled like popcorn and cotton candy from the snack bar. Kids sat on tailgates in the parking lot, passing bottles back and forth, slipping comfortably into Saturday night drunkenness same as every weekend. Shelby and Andrew held hands and walked towards the entrance, bathed in neon red light from the giant, blinking sign. As they passed, their peers in the parking lot waved or toasted them with their liquor bottles. This reaffirmed to Shelby why she was with Andrew. Self preservation. She couldn’t even imagine coming here without him. It would be like being naked, having all of the kids in this tiny town who she’d known since before she could walk making assumptions, spinning stories. 

She squeezed Andrew’s hand, impromptu, and he glanced over at her with a bemused smile on his face. “What was that for?” 

“Nothing. I’m just glad we’re here.” She smiled back at him. 

“I’m glad to be anywhere with you, Shelbs,” he told her. 

Shelby opened the door and darted through, pulling him behind her, refusing to reply to what he’d said. 

The kid behind the counter, who knew them and handed them their shoes even though there was a whole queue in front of them beamed and threw down his graphic novel when he saw them. “Andrew! Shelby! It’s so good to see you, hey, here are your shoes, go right on in. Oh, Andrew, congratulations on the last game. Scoring that last point on a buzzer, hey, that’s awesome!” 

Andrew's demeanor changed instantly. He did that sometimes, seemed fine, happy even, until the slightest thing set him off. He snatched their shoes off the counter and started roughly pulling Shelby towards the alleys. “Yeah, it was impressive, Andrew’s a great player, great to see you..Jasper,” Shelby barely had time to call after him, recalling the kid’s name at the last second, as she stumbled towards their usual table after Andrew. 

“Andrew? What the heck, why are you suddenly in a bad mood?” Shelby exclaimed once Andrew let go of her wrist, hurled himself into a chair, and started angrily lacing up his bowling shoes. 

“So fuckin’ gay,” Andrew muttered. “Someone needs to tell that loser to blow his brains out before someone beats the shit out of him for crap like that.” 

Gay. Blow your brains out. Shelby and Becca together in her room, lips locked, Shelby feeling freer than she ever had. Shelby alone looking down at Becca’s coffin. She blinked these memories away before tears came and sat down next to Andrew. 

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? He’s just happy to see us. He’s probably like that with everyone,” she said. 

“Well so what, he should...cut it out! No matter what.” Andrew got to his feet, reached for a nearby bowling ball, and positioned himself to let it go. 

Shelby stood and reached for a ball too, miserably. 

“You really think someone is gay just because they say some nice things and give you a compliment?” she asked hesitantly, unsure whether she should be pushing the issue or not. 

Andrew whirled around. Suddenly he was on top of her, glaring down at her, their bodies almost touching, one hand holding the bowling ball aloft in a threatening way, the other grabbing her wrist and digging the fingers in until it throbbed. She was reminded of their height difference in one breathless moment, cute in prom photos, when she could lay her head on his shoulder, less cute when he held a heavy item above her skull and looked mad enough to kill. “Who fucking cares what his fucked up gay loner motivations are, Shelby? Huh? Appearances fucking matter here. It’s all a fucking show and we all know it and if you go around looking like a fuckin’ you-know-what don’t be surprised when someone calls you one and tells you it’s a sin. And don’t be surprised if someone like me doesn’t want to be lumped in with him.” 

Shelby was looking around frantically, waiting for someone to notice yet at the same time hoping no one could see. Appearances matter. Andrew wasn't wrong about that. She took in glimpses of light and color and the sounds of bowling pins clattering and popcorn popping and kids cheering and laughing, limbs draped all over each other around the small tables, but not one person seemed to be looking at her. 

“If appearances matter so much then let me go,” Shelby snarled. 

Somewhat to her surprise, he did. She massaged her wrist gingerly, running her fingers over the indents that his had left. He stepped away from her, blinking, looking more uncertain than she had ever seen him. 

“Since when do you curse?” was the only thing Shelby could think to say. “I thought you agreed that it was against God, same as me. And if you do that around my dad or anyone at the church-” 

Andrew snorted. He turned his back on her and hurled his bowling ball towards the pins. The clatter of all ten pins hitting the polished wood and the dinging of the scoreboard that announced Andrew’s victory made her jump. Suddenly, everything seemed too loud. The walls seemed to spin, then close in on her. The air smelled so sugary sweet she felt like she was choking. “Excuse me,” Shelby whispered, her eyes burning. She hurried towards the bathroom. 

“Shelby!" someone called out from a nearby table. Shelby lifted a hand and waved but resolutely pushed on towards the bathroom. It was unlike her not to stop and chat and she worried about what they were saying, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop moving. “I love your sweater, Goodkind!” another voice yelled. Shelby beamed in that direction, but she could barely keep her chin from wobbling. People who knew her were everywhere. She felt every eye on her. Though she wasn't moving very fast her breath was shaky and painful as though she was running a marathon. 

Shelby made it to the women’s room, shoved the heavy door open with so much force that it slammed into the wall, and raced into a stall. She locked the door with shaking fingers and collapsed against the wall. Her body shook with silent sobs. She felt tears balancing shakily on her lashes and then spilling down her cheeks and she wiped them away frantically- going back out there with a blotchy red face and wet eyes was not an option. She clamped a hand over her mouth and used the other to brush away tears as they came, sobbing desperately but quietly.

As her body calmed itself and she relaxed in the safety of being alone and away from Andrew or other prying eyes, she took stock. Her wrist throbbed and she could still see finger marks. Shelby took deep breaths as she considered how to hide it from her father. He considered any blemish ungodly- he hated tattoos and piercings, didn’t even like nail polish and makeup, although he allowed it during pageant season so Shelby could look her best. Finger marks, hickeys, a staple of many couples at the high school but never her and Andrew, bruises or calluses, they were all ugly and unsightly to her father. However, skin masks, moisturizer, makeup, anything that could hide the blemishes he so hated, were gay, unmanly, against God. it was impossible to find the balance between what he hated, and there was seemingly no way to remain perfect and unblemished. No one ever won with Shelby’s father. 

She considered this as she rubbed her wrist, massaging it to increase blood flow and remove the tension, although she could already feel stiffness settling in, and that made worry rise in her like a river during flood season. If something was actually wrong, if it was sprained or even broken, how would she get help? The thought sent a jolt of fear through her. No. She would find a way. 

In addition to her wrist, the part of her chest that her blouse left exposed had turned a blotchy red, a stress reaction that had caused her nothing but pain over the years. She was shaking like a leaf and suddenly felt exposed in her blouse and jeans. And her face was wet from tears. 

The first thing she did once all the sobs had worked their way out of her body, leaving her shaken but still standing, was roll down the sleeves of her cardigan and button it all the way up. Her father insisted on some kind of covering on his women at all times, and liked Shelby in demure cardigans in shades of white, beige, and butter yellow. She usually felt stifled in the high necks and tight sleeves of the cardigans, and left them unbuttoned and with rolled up sleeves once she was out of the house. No one, including Andrew, knew that defying her father's wishes in that way was a big deal, but it was to her. However, tonight, his order came in handy. The cardigan sleeves hid the ugly wreath of finger marks on her arm, and the conservative neck hid her chest. 

Next, she pulled several strips of raggedy bowling alley toilet paper from the holder, folded them until there was enough to not dissolve in her hands right away, and dabbed at her face. She never pulled at her skin, it caused wrinkles and made you look older. She’d learned that from her pageant coach. When her face was dry, she took several cleansing breaths, unlocked the stall, and walked over to the sink. 

Shelby was relieved that the bathroom had stayed empty during her whole freak out, although she wasn’t surprised- public bathrooms were disgusting and no self respecting high schooler would waste some of their precious free time using one. Still, she anxiously listened for the creak of the door as she cupped tepid faucet water in her hands and rinsed her face. She dried with a paper towel that felt like sandpaper, put a smile on, and exited the bathroom. 

The sights and sounds of the bowling alley enveloped her. She managed to put a smile on her face and hurried towards Andrew. “Andrew? Where are you honey?” she called when she reached their table. She stopped short. Andrew was gone. 

No, not gone. That was just her fear. He’d moved down a couple alleys, she could see his broad back and brown leather hunting jacket. He was in a huddle with a couple other football players. 

“Hey! Hey, yo, stop ignoring me!” one of Andrew’s friends was yelling. Shelby looked around from her place beside the table trying to see who he was talking to. 

“Yo, he’s fuckin’ talkin’ to you,” Andrew shouted. “Stop ignoring us and get outta here, no body fuckin’ wants you here.” 

“Sinner!” another one of the guys called, adding his voice to the melee. 

“Suck my dick!” a girl’s voice responded.

Now Shelby could place what was happening. She craned her neck and could just see the two girls, standing in line to claim their shoes. One of them was talking to Jasper, the clerk. She threw back her head and laughed at something, which made Jasper light up happily, and then took the two pairs of shoes he offered. She tucked the shoes into her bag and went back to holding the other girl’s arm, resting her chin on the girl’s shoulder. 

The other girl was staring directly at Andrew and his friends, standing tall and stiff like a lightning rod, ready for a fight. 

“Suck my...y’all see the audacity of this bitch?” Andrew played up his outrage, holding a hand over his heart, drawing a face, and turning dramatically from the girl to his friends and back. 

“You know you fucking want to, you dumbass homophobe,” the girl shouted. She strutted deeper into the building, arms linked with the other girl. She muttered something to the girl with the shoes and rolled her eyes, and they both laughed. They looked almost blissfully happy and like they fit together, their arms intertwined, holding hands below the knot their arms made, walking in unison. They seemed to have already left Andrew and the other boys behind, now they were talking and laughing animatedly and ignoring everyone else completely. 

Andrew turned to the other guys, and though Shelby couldn’t hear what they were saying, they looked focused. He was completely ignoring her. 

Shelby turned her head, watching the girls go by. Her breath caught in her throat, and she felt her hair fanning out as she turned to follow them with her eyes. She was sure neither of them had noticed her, but then the one who had yelled looked up and made eye contact with Shelby. They held each other’s gaze for what felt like forever, a forever where Shelby tried and failed to stop her frantically beating heart and drop her gaze but was too captivated, but can’t have been forever because they didn’t even stop walking. She felt like they were moving in slow motion. Then the girl winked. 

Shelby snapped her eyes to the ground. Surely everyone had seen. She was now guilty by association, a dirty person with a secret and something to be ashamed of. She’d gotten so good at hiding it that she rarely even thought about her secret except while alone, in the dark of night, with hours before morning prayer wiped her sinful thoughts away. But here, this girl had winked, shattered Shelby, brought up her secret here, under the fluorescent lights and near Andrew. 

What was her sinister, sinful power? How had she crumbled Shelby with only her eyes and a wink? (Well, and her confidence, and her bouncy brown hair and her smile.) 

Damn Toni Shalifoe. This was all her fault. 

Of course Shelby knew her name, although she often pretended not to. And the girl with her was Regan Smith. They had dated, then apparently broken up, and now Shelby didn’t know. They had been, at one point, a couple. Shelby almost thought that was impossible in this town. But then Toni and Regan started holding hands in the hallways and showing up everywhere, at the movie theater and the bowling alley and the mall, like they were shoving it in Shelby’s face, bringing up her secret just because they could.

That wasn’t fair. She had never even spoken to Toni. But still, she couldn't help but think about her. Couldn’t help but imagine leaving Andrew to his friends, sliding into a seat at their table, sharing a basket of nachos, taking a huge, gooey chip and bumping her hand against Toni’s accidentally, feeling her soft skin through the layer of salt and oil from the chips…

“Babe! You took off, you didn’t even stay to watch me celebrate my victory.” Andrew was suddenly right next to her, and gesturing towards the bowling alley. 

Shelby gave him a faint smile, her forced enthusiasm from before she’d seen Toni slipping away. 

“Come on,” Andrew sighed heavily. “Is it that time of the month or something? We came for a fun night out and you’re ruining it. In face, you’ve been doing that a lot lately,” he continued, building up steam. “You’re always standoffish, whiny, pissy, you never have any fun, you get so weird when I spend time with the guys.” He was biting off his words now, and getting in her face again. “It’s no wonder they don’t like you, Shelby, they think you’re just another prom queen, washed up before you even graduate, using me and everyone around you to...I don’t even know what. Make yourself feel better?” 

The words were like knives, Shelby could feel them opening up invisible cuts all over her. But she plastered a smile on and forced herself to get out the words she’d planned out in the bathroom. “Babe, we shouldn’t fight. We’re so good together. I shouldn’t have left. Let’s just play a couple games, get back on track.” 

He let out a spluttery laugh. “I’m too good for you, Shelby. And I’m done fighting with you and never being good enough. I don’t know what’s been up with you lately but I’d figure it out because I’m done listening to you and being as accommodating as fuckin’ Mother Thersa or something and not getting anything back. 

“D-does that mean that...we’re done?” Shelby could barely get the words out. Life without Andrew, without a steady hand to hold walking through the church, without a buffer against her father’s prying questions about her life...the thought signified the beginning of the end. 

“No, we’re not done,” he snorted. ‘What would our parents think? I’ll see you Monday. I hope you think about what I said.” He turned. 

“Wait,” she said, reaching out for him. “Okay, I understand. Let’s go.” 

Andrew jerked away roughly, and strode for the door. He yanked it open and disappeared outside. She waited a moment, completely frozen in disbelief, and didn’t put everything together until she saw his instantly recognizable black truck speeding out of the parking lot. 

Shelby didn’t know how long she stood there, staring at the door, waiting.

Before, she had worried that everyone was looking. Now, when that should have mattered more than ever, all she saw was the people who weren’t looking at her. Andrew’s football buddies were acting like jerks, throwing bowling balls as hard as possible and laughing cartoonishly every time. Jasper from the front desk was immersed in a book, not paying her or anybody any mind. And Toni and Regan had gotten up from their table and were now bowling an alley away from where Shelby stood frozen in shock, laughing and looking at each other tenderly, also not paying attention to Shelby. 

Regan was teaching Toni how to throw the ball. She was crossing one leg over the other, bending one knee slightly, and positioning the ball, then standing up straight over and over. “Now you try,” she was saying. 

Toni bent both her knees. “No,” Regan laughed lightly. “Because see, if you do that, the ball won’t move straight. Here, I’ll show you.” She adopted Toni’s stance and let the ball go. Indeed, it warbled its way down the alley and fell into the gutter halfway down.

“Ohhhh!” Toni crowed, holding her hands in the air and spinning around, doing a victory lap. “Now whatever the fuck I do will be better than that, I’m gonna win!” 

“No!” cried Regan. “Cheater! You are such a sore loser.” 

“Or am I an evil genius?” Toni tapped her head and raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re the worst,” Regan sighed halfheartedly. 

“Nah, I just know how to win.” Toni smirked, then reached over and draped her arms over Regan’s shoulers, hugging her from behind. 

Regan turned over her shoulder and grinned at Toni, then pulled away and gestured to the ball, which had been returned to her. “You try now. For real. Don’t let all my teaching go to waste.” 

A soft smile twisted the corners of Toni’s mouth. She stepped forward and grabbed the ball, then started carefully positioning herself to release. Shelby was caught up, and didn’t notice Toni examining her, didn’t notice her standing up straight and letting the ball hang at her side. “You know, you don’t have to do everything he tells you.” 

Shelby jumped. Toni was looking right at her. Shelby had never heard Toni’s throaty voice directed at her before. Toni flew under the radar, or tried. Andrew’s crew didn’t let her. And sometimes Toni got angry at them and snapped. But Shelby knew she tried. 

“You mean me?” Shelby asked. 

Toni stared at her, maybe in disbelief that Shelby could be so stupid. “Yes you, I don’t see anyone else getting brutalized by their boyfriend in here.” 

“Shh!” Shelby gasped. “Don’t say that!”

“Because it’s not true or because you don’t want people to hear?” Toni asked. She jutted one hip forward and raised her eyebrows. She was more confrontational than Shelby knew how to handle, but surprisingly instead of feeling angry or exposed she felt safe. There was no BS with Toni, and possibly no way to get out of answering this question. But Shelby didn’t want to get out of it. This was the moment she’d been certain would never come- a time when her path crossed with Toni Shalifoe’s. The girl she’d loved from afar for more months than she could count. 

“It wasn’t always this bad,” Shelby offered. 

Toni seemed unimpressed. “Everyone says that, you know. It’s cliche.” 

Shelby looked down. “I know,” she almost whispered. 

Toni shifted uncomfortably.. “Hey, I-oh my god...Regan, can you…?” 

Shelby glanced up briefly to see Toni handing Regan the bowling ball. Regan gave the two of them an odd look but took the ball and started playing around with her stance by herself. Toni sighed, then looked at Shelby. Shelby could see she was taking up Toni’s attention. The idea made her heart flutter. 

“Sorry,” Toni said.

The word was simple. Shelby overused it; sometimes it felt like every other word out of her mouth was “sorry.” But Toni seemed to be working to say it, swallowing hard and saying it like it was sharp and needed to be handed carefully. 

“F-for what?” Shelby murmured. 

“For acting like I know everything. And like it’s easy to get out of this kind of thing. That was fucking insensitive of me, I mean, I should know more than anyone.” 

Shelby looked up finally. 

Toni chuckled. “Oh, _that’s_ what makes you look up. Should have known.” 

“I-I’m sorry,” Shelby said softly. She knew she was making a terrible impression, but she couldn’t help it. She was keenly aware of Andrew’s friends nearby, and she could see him storming away from her like it was printed on her eyelids. 

“Don’t be. I dropped that juicy frickin' tidbit and didn’t even think but it’s whatever...my mom and my dad had a relationship like that.” 

Regan reached out and rubbed Toni’s arm. Gently and kindly. It was so unlike Andrew’s vicious, cruel hands that Shelby felt warm just watching them. 

“I’m sorry,” Shelby said, feeling more certain and up to conversation as her Texan good manners kicked in. “That must have been awful.”

“It was but- hey you!” Toni interrupted herself suddenly and started screaming past Shelby to another alley. Shelby knew just who she was yelling at. “Yeah you, ugly ass. What the fuck are you looking at?” 

Andrew’s friend hollered back something incomprehensible. Toni spread her first and middle fingers up near her mouth and wiggled her tongue between them lewdly. The guy shut up. Toni smirked.

Shelby should have been aghast. But something about Toni, one hip thrust forward, a soft smirk of victory on her face, the red of her tank top making the rest of her face look rosey, made her look like a warrior princess. Something to fear or admire, depending on who you were. Shelby knew she was meant to be afraid. But she admired. 

“Maybe here’s not the place?” Regan suggested. 

Toni rolled her eyes. “Ugh, yeah, probably not. Jesus, can the hick parade give me one night off?” 

Shelby flinched a little, knowing many of those words could be directed at her. Regan laughed and said, “Nah, it was probably his night on the abusing-an-innocent-girl schedule and he didn’t want to miss out,” and they both laughed. Shelby laughed too. Both girls looked at her. 

“It was funny,” Shelby said defensively. 

Regan wilted a little, although Shelby didn’t know why. But Toni brightened. “Yeah, it was!” She gave Regan a huge hug and ruffled her hair, and Regan pushed her hand away half heartedly and giggled. 

A wave of almost inexplicable despair flooded through Shelby. She pushed it away, as always. Now wasn’t the time. 

Something, some nonverbal communication, went down between Toni and Regan in the time it took Shelby to start feeling sorry for herself. Toni turned back to Shelby and said, “We’re getting out of here. Not in the mood for more teen boy exploits.”

The fear of being left here alone rose up so powerfully that it overwhelmed all of the manners she’d been taught, all the fear of being seen with them. Plus, she wasn’t ready for her time with Toni to end. “I am so sorry to do this,” she said. “But could I maybe ask you for a ride home? I-I’m kind of stuck here, you see. I do apologize.” 

“Hey,” Toni stepped towards her, and Shelby’s breath caught. Toni smelled like flowers and honey. Up close, her eyes had flecks of gold. She was heartbreaking to look at. “You don’t have to apologize. That douchebag of a boyfriend should answer for all his fuck-ups, but you...I understand you.” 

_I understand you._ The phrase was as comforting as a blanket, a fluffy stack of pancakes, a Christmas present. The phrase flowed through her like warm syrup. Shelby couldn't tamp down her smile. 

“Let’s go out the back,” Toni said. “No need to pass the douche patrol twice.” Toni and Regan headed for the door, and all Shelby wanted to do was follow and be out of this stifling place, but she remembered something. “Guys!” she called. “Your bowling shoes?”

Regan, who had looked happy most of the night, glanced at the crowd of guys standing near the shoe return area and grimaced. And Toni, strong, confident, “suck my dick” Toni, took a deep breath and glanced at the floor, bracing herself.

“I’ll return them for you,” Shelby offered. 

Both girls stared at her. 

“They don’t love me,” she said hesitantly (Andrew’s harsh recounting of their words whipped through her mind again.) “But I know they’re better to me than you.” 

The girls paused for a moment, but then started slipping off their bowling shoes and putting on their regular ones. Shelby collected the bowling ones and walked, head high, towards the return area. Toni and Regan told her how to find Toni’s car, then headed for the back exit. 

Shelby put the shoes, along with her own, on the counter. Andrew’s friends yelled after her as she walked towards the back exit, a sickening chorus- “Where’s your boyfriend?” “Hit it and quit it, huh?” “Have a nice threesome with that crowd.” But Shelby could barely hear them, for once. In that car, ready to take her away from here, away from this night was Toni. Toni, who- it was time to stop denying- Shelby liked more than she had ever liked anyone. She almost flew to the car, opened the back seat door, and climbed in. 

“Thank you,” both girls exclaimed, just as Shelby started to say, “Thank you so much for the ride.” They all giggled, a little nervous. This interaction was unprecedented, after all. Then they lapsed into fairly comfortable silence. Restaurants and homes flashed by outside the window. Toni made a couple quick turns, then dropped Regan off outside of a modest ranch home with a sprawling lawn. Regan waved and shut the door on them. 

Toni and Shelby sat in terrifying silence. Then Toni said, “Hey you, Miss Prom Queen. Come on up here, I feel like a chauffeur.” 

“I’m sorry,” Shelby said, feeling like an idiot as she ungracefully climbed into the passenger seat. 

“Don’t be, I was kidding.” Toni said awkwardly. “I’m not trying to be mean to you.”

Shelby nodded, accepting that. 

“So, where do you live?” Toni asked. 

Shelby opened her mouth to tell her. _1287 Pinecrest Court._ (The address her mother used to drill her on, along with standard pageant answers. _If you ever get lost, find a nice woman with children and tell her that address, you hear me, darling?_ Of course, Shelby spent the rest of her childhood so coddled and protected, so guarded and watched, that she never had even a chance to get lost.) The words got stuck. Shelby hesitated. 

Toni leaned her head back against the seat and glanced over at her. “Kinda getting the feeling that you don’t want to go home either?” 

Shelby glanced at the clock. It was only 8 pm. Her curfew wasn’t for hours, another reminder of this horrible failure of a night. “Not really,” she admitted. 

“Me neither.” Toni said. 

They sat in the silence some more. But now it didn’t feel tense and frightening. It felt like hope, like a chance. 

“I have a special spot.” Toni said. “In the woods about ten minutes from here. It always helps me clear my head. Maybe it could help you too?” 

Shelby digested that thought, the opportunity she didn’t know could exist. To be with Toni, even just for a couple of hours. To escape her family in a way that didn’t involve Andrew. “Why would you take me? I’ve never...been nice to you, or stopped people from...you know.” She exhaled shakily. “I’m no one to you.”

For a while, Toni didn’t say anything. Shelby was overthinking everything she’d said. Then Toni murmured, “I feel like we’re similar.” 

“Really?” 

“I can’t explain it yet. Call it a gut feeling. And, I don’t know, but I’d kind of like to talk more about this Andrew thing, it’s not fair to you. And maybe it would be fun to actually spend time with you. I know that all-American thing can’t be easy to maintain all the time, and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s releasing feelings. Maybe that’s what you need.” 

“That does sound like what I need,” Shelby agreed. “But really: why are you being so nice? You didn’t have to give me a ride home or talk to me. I didn’t even think you knew I existed,” she admitted. 

Toni chuckled. “Nah. You’re too interesting to ignore.” 

Shelby was grateful it was dark so Toni couldn't see her blush. “So let’s go to the woods and get away from it for a little while,” she murmured. 

Toni glanced over at her, and her smile made Shelby feel infinite. She shifted the car into drive and the streets started flying by again as they headed for the woods, and Shelby wondered if Toni could hear the beating of her heart and what she would say to Toni when she had the freedom to speak, and she could sense Toni looking at her every once in a while. 

Shelby thought she could finally identify this feeling building in her from the moment she first talked to Toni. It was freedom. It was happiness. 


	2. Jump Then Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni and Shelby are talking for the first time ever. Under the bright Texas moon they talk, laugh, and get to know each other, but even the night Shelby has dreamed about since she first laid eyes on Toni can't compare to the might of the Goodkind family and the expectations both girls still have on them.

When they first pulled off the road and into a little copse of trees, Toni awkwardly fiddled with the door handle, then opened it and hopped out. Shelby sat in her seat, languishing in the possibilities of a walk with Toni, feeling nervous, and inhaling the scent of fabric softener and hair spray that had become part of the car. 

“Come on, prom queen!” Toni shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth to do so and shattering the serene quiet of the night. But Shelby liked it. There was too much quiet in her life. Nights spent with her family, sitting stuff as a board in a row on the coach, not speaking. The constant asphyxiating silence of keeping secrets and never allowing herself to be honest with anyone. The silence in her dreams, as she cried out for Becca and received no response, only that crushing, dreadful nothingness. Her whole life could be broken down into different kinds of silences. Toni was as opposite from everything Shelby knew and hated as anything could be, and Shelby was grateful for it. She eagerly opened the car door and cocked her head at Toni. “You nicknamed me?” 

The words slipped out, comfortably. For the first time in months, Shelby didn’t instantly overthink what she’d said. Toni rewarded her with a huge smile. "What else would I call you?" she asked teasingly. 

"Shelby?" Shelby suggested, amused, raising an eyebrow and slamming the car door shut. She walked over to where Toni was and stepped onto the little ledge that separated the sidewalk from the parking lot.

"Nah," Toni said, shaking off the idea. She stepped onto the little ledge too and scuffed the tip of one of her Vans along the pavement. "Not special enough."

"I'm special?" Shelby asked softly. She looked down the ledge, tracing the cracks in the yellow paint, then craned her neck up to look at Toni. Toni was slouching, scuffing her toe like her life depended on it. Shelby took the compliment into her soul. She stood up straighter, shook her hair back over her shoulders. Her confidence grew. 

"Everyone's special." Toni said. 

"So it's not just me?" Shelby laughed, although she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. 

Toni shrugged and started scuffing the other toe. "When you move around a lot like me you start to just see things. It's not like I set out to be this voyeur person watching everyone, but at a certain point the next foster mom would be asking a million dumb questions and I'd be listening to the agency try to like explain me, and it became better to just fuckin' zone out and look at her bracelets or the way people move and act when they think they know who's looking and what they're judging about you. So now I just notice things. Force of habit. So the first thing I notice about you isn't just your name or how you look, it's stuff about you. Like prom queen." Toni tossed her head back and stared resolutely at the star strewn sky. 

Shelby inched down the ledge, moving closer to Toni. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. The system…" 

"It's whatever." Toni cut her off. 

They stood in silence. Shelby waited nervously, sure Toni would regret asking her here, sure that she'd ruined the night. 

"Yeah, it's shitty." Toni's voice broke the night air again. "I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. But you wanna know something that's kinda not shitty that I noticed?" 

Shelby smiled, though Toni was still looking at the sky and couldn't see her. "What?" 

Toni exhaled hard. "So I've lived in like ten states or something. But I'm always looking at the same stars, even though they’re in different places in the sky. And when I get to wallowing in my own fucking misery I look at them and they remind me…" 

"...how small you are." Shelby finished. 

Toni finally broke her eye contact with the sky and smiled shyly at Shelby. "I'm glad to know it's not just me." 

"It’s not.” 

Toni nodded, smiled at the ground. 

“When I'm out of here," Shelby told her, "And I'm living in some city and my family is a million miles away and I never have to think about this wretched place ever again I like that I can know that someone stuck here and I will be looking at the same stars. Like...I did it, I made it out. It's some mark of success, I guess, that's written in the stars that were created centuries ago, before me or any of my problems were even created. I'm just assigning meaning to these mysterious things up above. And everyone gives them a meaning but no two people have the same one." 

"That's beautiful," Toni said in her husky voice. 

"I guess your meaning is kind of similar to mine, though, isn't it, star girl?" 

Toni laughed softly, and her smile could be heard in her voice. "You're nicknaming me now?" 

"I guess so," Shelby laughed lightly. 

One orange street light illuminated them as they stood several feet apart on the edge of the sidewalk, glancing at the velvety black sky and then at each other. They balanced on the ledge, holding their arms out for balance, moving one foot after another. They moved towards each other, wobbling and giggling. Shelby had never heard Toni laugh like this before. 

"You know, for a long time I hated nighttime," Shelby said, as she inched towards Toni. "After a lot of...bad stuff...went down I couldn't sleep through the night. I had nightmares and no one was there and it felt like I was a kid being afraid of the dark all over again. But now, it's funny, I feel freest at night." 

"What changed?" 

"I started getting busy during the day to distract myself. And it worked for a while, but then I started hating my distractions. At night I was stuck in my head but at least I could breathe without someone judging me, you know?" 

"Oh God I know," Toni groaned. She glanced up at Shelby and snorted. "I'm sorry, that's probably blasphemy or something. I hope God doesn't smite me for using his name in vain in front of one of his servants or whatever." 

Shelby should have been offended. Her father, if he heard that, could probably manage to come up with a whole sermon about respect just based around that one comment. But in all honesty, she was amused. She smirked and said, "You know, we're all servants of God, even if you think you aren't. He can love you even if you don't love Him." 

"Yeah, really? I figured you guys weren't that big on the whole eternal love thing. I mean, there's like millions of people God apparently isn't allowed to love." 

Shelby's smile dimmed. "Not all people are like that. Some people really do believe God loves you no matter what." 

"Do you?" 

"Yes!” she exclaimed emphatically. It gave her pause though. All her life she’d been taught the opposite. God was selective. You made sacrifices and gave up certain “lifestyle choices” so you earned his love. It wasn’t given freely, heart overfloweth, but earned through toil and sacrifice and misery. “I-I think so." 

"What about the others, like, Andrew and your family and stuff?" 

Shelby felt that familiar lump rise in her throat that she always felt when she was upset or holding something back. "Not so much." 

Toni had nearly reached the spot on the ledge where Shelby stood. She reached out and just skimmed Shelby's wrist with the tips of her fingers. She pulled away quickly like Shelby burned to the touch. "Now it's my turn to say sorry." 

"'Yeah, it's shitty,'" Shelby said, doing a bad imitation of Toni's hasty brush off. She never cursed and the word sent a nervous flock of butterflies racing through her, but it was worth it when Toni let out a scandalized gasp and then a full body laugh. 

"Are you imitating me?" Toni exclaimed, and they both devolved into laughter. 

The nature of the conversation burned beneath the surface. The laughter broke off, leaving harsh, jagged bursts of sound to echo in the night. Awkward silence fell. The two avoided eye contact, though they stood within an arm's reach of each other on the sidewalk. 

"I want to think he has this...plan. For me." Shelby admitted. 

"It's comfortable to stick with what you've been taught," Toni volunteered. 

"Yeah. And seems like you're speaking from experience," Shelby said slyly. 

"Not God, that's for sure. But my mom, before she...got lost in it all...she taught me running and hiding and anger when things don't work. I completely idolized her and I used her advice when I couldn't have her but it blew up." Toni huffed out a laugh. "Shocking, right? That completely fucking over everyone and then bailing, the same strategy that messed up your own life, would also mess up your kid's? Don't know how I didn't see it sooner." 

"How'd you find out it wasn't working?" 

"A good, old-fashioned breakup," Toni sighed. "Between you and Andrew, all-American, and me and Regan, implosion in the making, I guess we're both a couple of cliches." 

"I don't want to be," Shelby muttered. "I've seen my fair share of movies and if I had to pick a cliche it wouldn't be this one." 

"Big fat same." Toni pursed her lips and nodded. 

"You and Regan broke up?" Shelby asked. 

Toni sighed. "You really want that whole sordid story?" 

"I'm not trying to pry but I'm here to listen, you know, if you want."

Toni examined her. "Andrew told me we were sinful once, you know." she said, suddenly. 

"What?" Shelby gasped. It took her by complete surprise, but it probably shouldn't have. Wasn’t this whole night only happening because Andrew was a bully like that? Hearing it so casually was jarring. It enraged her all over again, not that there was anything she could do.

"He was buying weed from Dot, I was trying to recruit her for the basketball team and he turned to me and said, 'enjoy your time on earth because you'll spend eternity burning in hell.'"

Shelby buried her face in her hands. "I need to break up with him. I'm so sorry that happened to you." 

"Hey, it's not like I'm not used to it. This town is like the Tiger Woods of being homophobic." 

Shelby laughed from her hands. 

"Look, do you mind if I ask?" Toni asked, her tone sensitive and encouraging. Shelby wasn't used to it. "Why are you with him?" 

Shelby didn't remove her hands from her face. She stopped moving, maybe stopped breathing. Suddenly, it wasn't Toni asking her, it was her father, eyes narrow and suspicious. It was Becca, pleading with her, looking earnest but scared, pulling away already. It was Andrew himself, fists clenched and ready to strike. Shelby lost time as she frantically searched for an answer fit for a pageant girl, a prom queen. She felt herself drifting into an abyss, a place she didn't know how to come back from. She imagined walking into school and drifting through the halls with Andrew no longer attached to her like a tumor, but instead of freedom she felt guilt and that ever present fear, like a knot of rope in her stomach, magnified tenfold. For the second time that day Shelby felt tears rising. Why was she with him? Because the truth was too scary. Because she needed him. Because everyone else in this stifling little town needed her to need him. 

She felt a hand on her wrist and flinched, feeling Andrew's angry touch. But reality worked its way in. Toni was touching her, gently touching her wrist and guiding her hands away from her face. Guiding her towards the light of day.

"Shelby, I'm so sorry," Toni said urgently. "That wasn't fair, you don't have to answer." 

Shelby looked up at her, making eye contact. She was sure her face was tight with tension and her eyes were frantic. She grabbed Toni's hand and Toni didn't let go of her wrist and they stood, linked. 

"Hey, can we take that walk I promised you? There's a cool spot in the woods I always go to that I want to show you. And I want to make up for being an insensitive dumbass and asking you that." 

Shelby dropped Toni's hand, self conscious suddenly. Toni knew what Shelby was doing though, and before she turned for the woods she reached one hand out and just barely brushed Shelby's fingers. She smiled, and then gestured for Shelby to follow her onto a small but well-worn path. 

"We met in middle school and everyone at the church thought we'd be good together," Shelby started as they made their way through the woods. 

Toni snorted. "Sounds stifling," she called over her shoulder. 

"Well, it-it was. But what else was I to do? There's some things you just can't say no to. And once I was in I couldn't see how to get out. And now I just live in fear of the day it ends and the questions start." 

"Careful, there's a branch," Toni said, pushing it aside. Shelby ducked under it and Toni let it snap back. 

"I cannot believe I just told you that," Shelby admitted. 

"Why? Because we barely know each other and we're alone in the woods and I could easily have brought you here to kill you?" 

"I-" 

"That was such a dumb joke, I'm so sorry," Toni murmured. 

Shelby surprised them both with a full body laugh. "No, that was funny! My gosh, it's been so long since I laughed at anything real." 

"Andrew's not a stand up comedian or something?" 

"Not unless you consider his, ah, jokes from the bowling alley funny," Shelby sighed. "You've seen it first hand.”

"Yeah." 

Silence reigned again. The only sounds were the snapping of branches under their feet and the breathing of both girls, eagerness laced with nerves. 

"You asked why we're still together," Shelby said shakily, fixing her eyes on a tree in the distance and refusing to look at Toni's back in front of her. "It's like insurance. If I'm with him, well it's not just with him it's like being with him and doing all these other things, but if I do all those things I can be respected and no one will think of me differently or pry or shame me." 

"What would they shame you for?" Toni asked, still picking her way through the woods. 

"Forget it," Shelby muttered. "Look, now it's my turn to ask you something." 

"Shoot," said Toni. "I'm an open fuckin' book and not just because nothing stays hidden in this town. They're better than the CIA or something. Any bad thing you've done they'll find." 

"And then they'll use it to ruin your life," Shelby sighed. "I'm familiar with the concept, unfortunately. My parents are big supporters of that particular method of controlling people." 

"Yeah well I'm not." Toni shrugged her shoulders. 

"Me neither." 

"So anyway, question for me?" Toni asked. She smacked her cheek sharply, and under the vast, bright moon Shelby could see a dead bug falling onto the ground. “We don’t have those in Minnesota,” Toni noted. “And it’s not like bumfucknowhere USA is such a great place, but at least it didn’t have those.” 

“True, no one deserves a bite from one of those things, they’re awful. Almost ruined my last pageant girl camping trip, let me tell ya. But anyway, Toni…” 

“Pageant camping trip?”

Shelby sighed, then immediately regretted it. She hoped Toni didn’t hear, and her heart suddenly ached as she realized how badly she didn’t want the night to be over, how happy she was watching Toni’s back and dark brown braid, illuminated under the moonlight, as she tramped through the woods. But the thought of talking about pageants, when the desire to quit boiled in her blood every time her father brought it up, made her feel itchy. “Yes, we used to hold one every year for the girls in the pageant circle, the ones who were in almost every local pageant. Me and my mom.” 

“Sounds fun.”

“You know, pageant girls are pretty resourceful,” Shelby said, her voice intense and passionate, as though making Toni see all the pros would get rid of that gnawing dread she felt every time she looked at her wall of awards. “The trips aren’t just sitting around complaining about boys and stuff like that. Doing pageants has taught me so many life skills and-” 

“Hey, look, that’s your thing,” Toni interjected, holding her hands up. I surrender. “I respect people with things. Mine was basketball, now I guess it’s moving and being a total fuck up no matter where I am.” Her voice had taken on a bitterness Shelby hadn’t heard from her before. “I’m sorry if you think I’m insulting you, I mean yeah, I guess I figured you were some stuck up pageant princess when I first got here but that was before tonight.” 

“Before tonight. Well, that’s a pretty good segue into my question for you,” Shelby said shakily. “Which is, why did you even talk to me tonight?” She felt breathless and afraid, suspended in space, while she waited to see how long Toni would deliberate over an answer, but Toni didn’t make Shelby wait.

“Because I saw what Andrew was doing to you and it’s wrong, I guess?” Toni said barely a second after the question left Shelby’s lips. 

“Yeah, and believe me, you saved me with the ride home, but why did you want to come hang out with me? Why were you remotely nice to me? You got here in November and since then I sat by and watched people I call friends harass you for months and I said nothing to defend you. You have no reason to like me, none, and every reason to want to stay miles away from me!” Her voice had risen in volume, and it caught frantically on the last word. 

Toni thought about that. Shelby could see her tilting her head slightly, pondering the question. While counting out the beats of silence by drumming her nervous fingers on her thigh, Shelby recalled the moment she had first seen Toni, walking across the courtyard, a worn leather jacket draped over her shoulders like a queen’s mantle. She remembered watching her from her science lab stool, feeling steadily more irritated at Andrew’s cumbersome arm draped across her shoulders as she watched Toni take in the room, examine her, and skim her eyes right past Shelby’s table. She remembered looking at the ground, feeling her cheeks turn apple red, when Toni laughed boisterously at a joke she made in English class. She remembered bolting upright in bed and feeling that the sheets were damp with sweat, and she remembered a dream she couldn’t make sense of- her and Toni, sitting on the school bleachers, sharing a fleece blanket and staring up at the stars. She remembered trying in vain to capture Toni’s attention during the school day, then running and blushing and getting upset whenever Toni noticed her. And finally, she remembered the day she walked into an empty classroom and saw Toni and Regan kissing as though they were the only two people in the world, and how she’d felt like the world was ending but had no idea why.

Later that night, after the dinner dishes had been cleared away and the evening news had been watched, Shelby knelt at the foot of her bed and prayed frantically, prayed for clarity and prayed for the feelings to be gone. But they could not be shoved aside, and bit by painful bit she realized the truth- she liked Toni, had liked her since she laid eyes on her, had a terrifying, impossible crush on her. Once she realized, she stopped trying to get Toni’s attention, flaunting her lack of interest to herself. The feelings had rushed back as soon as Shelby saw Toni at the bowling alley, but she’d managed to get here and have a perfectly lovely eveneing without doing anything stupid or that could expose her. For some reason, this was all she could think of as she walked behind Toni, who was walking a little slower now, and waited for her response. 

Finally, Toni answered. “I guess,” she almost whispered, “After years of shame and running from various parts of myself I can tell when someone else is doing the same thing.” 

“You think I’m running from something?” Shelby murmured. How did Toni know? She was insightful, one of the many things Shelby liked about her. 

“Call it a gut feeling,” Toni said. “And I don’t know exactly what it is, but I figured you needed an escape, and I don’t mind killing a couple of hours, as long as I’m not at home. But you kinda exceeded my expectations, prom queen.” 

Shelby thought her heart might burst. “What do you mean?” she asked, unable to contain the smile in her voice. 

“I didn’t know you really, I mean you’re funny in class, but what does that tell you about a person, not much. But out here, you’re funny and deep and interesting and you care about things and you’re thoughtful. You’re special, but not like everyone is special. You’re...especially special. I want to know more about you and I feel like you get me. So I guess I had a gut feeling that you needed help but now I’m being selfish and I want you to stay for me.” 

Toni turned around and looked at Shelby shyly, and Shelby, who was still walking and trying to savor Toni's words, keep them with her forever, almost bumped into her. “So, here’s my special spot.” Toni thrust her arms out proudly.

They were standing in a small natural clearing, where huge, flat boulders were stacked up near the treeline and a small cliff jutted over the city below. The trees stopped several feet from the cliff, leaving an opening above the boulders that showed millions of twinkling stars. 

“It’s no pageant camping trip spot but it’s basically my second home in Tex-”

Shelby, who had stopped suddenly and was now so close to Toni that they could brush fingers, reached out and held Toni’s face with her hands. She was shaking and barely had time to think, no, didn’t have time to think, and by the time a thought entered her head she had already kissed Toni. She could vaguely tell that her hands were freezing and shaking and Toni had the softest skin she’d ever felt and her lips tasted like raspberry lip balm. She felt Toni relax her body into Shelby’s, and Toni planted her hands on Shelby’s hips. Toni leaned into the kiss and they stood in the clearing, bodies just touching, hands touching each other lightly but their kissing was almost greedy. 

Shelby had no idea how long they kissed for. When they pulled away, they stood touching foreheads. Shelby gazed admiringly at Toni’s eyes, how they were deep brown but had flecks of amber and how her eyelashes were almost long enough to touch Shelby’s face. 

“So prom queen,” Toni said breathlessly. She pulled away, then seemed to sense Shelby’s fear and reached out and took Shelby’s hands in hers. “Guess I’m special to you too.” 

Shelby took a deep breath. “You’ve been special to me for...a long time. And I know you weren’t expecting that and I just-” 

“Hey,” Toni said, giving her the sweetest smile Shelby had ever seen in this town. “It’s okay. I liked it. And if that’s how you are-into girls or a really good kisser or whatever?” Shelby let out a meek laugh. “Then that’s okay.” Toni continued. 

“I-I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it yet,” Shelby said softly. 

“That’s okay. I...I think you’re really special, Shelby, and I, um, maybe we can hang out more? In the future or whenever?” 

The Shelby who sat in bed and prayed day in and day out that Toni would both vanish and never make Shelby face her and also that Toni would become her best friend, no more wanting from afar, couldn’t handle that. Shelby felt herself shutting down. Power though it, Shelby told herself. Don’t lose this night.

“Yes, I’d like that more than I can even say,” Shelby told her.

Still holding Toni’s hand, Shelby led her to one of the boulders and hopped up onto it. Toni, holding Shelby for support, climbed up too. They lay down, side by side, looking at the stars and the thin, wavy line where the light from the city met the heavy, velvety sky and stopped. For a little while they lay not touching, looking at the world in silence. But slowly, their hands found each other. Toni pointed out a constellation. “In Minnesota, it’s more to the right. Just a little. The sky’s not that different down here.” Shelby said to her, “Now I’ll always think of it as the Toni constellation.” Once or twice they kissed again, and Shelby felt honest-to-God butterflies in her stomach and her hands felt as twitchy and warm as if she’d just touched an electrical wire.

The reminder of Shelby’s curfew came to her in a pinching, heart stopping way. But she didn’t want to jar Toni by letting out any of the panic suddenly surging through her. She rested her head on Toni’s shoulder and said softly, “Toni, I have a curfew. I’m so sorry-”

“No need. Please don’t apologize. I know how that is. And you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.” They climbed slowly off the rock and ambled to Toni’s car, hands brushing, making up stories. Toni pointed out how the scratch marks in a nearby tree looked like people, and Shelby named them and Toni laughed. The walk could have lasted an eternity and Shelby would have been happy. 

The first few moments of the car ride, after they pulled onto the main road and left behind what to Shelby was as good as Eden, were silent. But after a little while, Toni said, “Shelby, I’m so glad you kissed me. And I think you’re kind of...amazing. Do you maybe want to meet back here sometime? I want to see you again, and school is not the best place.” 

“Yes,” Shelby breathed. “What do you think about five o’clock on Thursday?” 

“It’s a...maybe date.” 

They both laughed. 

“Drop me off at the corner?” Shelby asked, directing Toni through the streets of her subdivision. Toni pulled to the curb and Shelby opened the door. Neither made a move, perhaps sensing their return to civilization and the potentially dozens of eyes on them, but they gave each other a meaningful smile. 

“I’m so glad I really met you,” Toni told her. 

“I’ll be counting the days until I can really see you again, star girl.” Shelby shut the door and hurried down the street and up the front walk quietly. She checked her phone, which she’d had no temptation to check when she was with Toni. 11:37. Perfectly reasonable. She opened the door- it was never locked, there were no external threats here, only internal. 

“Hi guys!” she called cheerfully, trying to put on her family Shelby voice and letting a little of the joy she felt about Toni through in the process. 

“Shelby,” her father said coldly. Shelby glanced around and saw him sitting on the hallway bench where they normally kept mail, holding a glass of water so intensely she worried he was about to shatter it. “Where have you been?” 

“I went bowling with Andrew,” she said, confused. He’d seen them leave, and he’d heard about their plans at their weekly Wednesday night dinners. “And then we took a walk,” she amended, thinking all kinds of paranoid thoughts. What if her father requested the bowling alley security tapes? What if, what if, what if. 

“Shelby, Andrew stopped by the house at 9 pm, asking to talk to you.”

Shelby was frozen, a fearful, dangerous cold spreading through her. She had no response. 

Her father’s eyes were narrow and his knuckles were white from holding his glass. “Shelby Goodkind, where on God’s green earth were you? And why did you lie to us?”

“I-I just took a walk,” Shelby stammered. “By myself. It’s been a long week, Andrew wanted to leave earlier than I did.” 

“I know when you’re lying, young lady.” her father said, his voice dangerously calm. “Don’t lie to me one more time. Where. Were. You?” 

Shelby was shaking like a leaf. She knew the sharp hands of fate were coming down on her, that she’d never been able to stop her father from controlling her and she couldn’t now.“Okay. I’ll tell you the truth.” she said.

“Good,” he said with a cruel sneer. “Spare no details.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok Shoni shippers this one is for you. (With a cliffhanger at the end because I'm apparently incapable of not including angst when it comes to Shoni.) I hope you all like chapter 2. I've gotten a bunch of comments this past week which I never thought would happen, and I'm so glad you like the story, thank you all so much for reading. I'll be writing chapter 3 soon!


	3. Not How It's Supposed To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Shelby deals with the fallout of the night before, she reflects on her relationships and decides that she wants Toni to be in her life.

During the agonizing moment it took for Shelby to construct a lie, she said a prayer. Dear God, I know lying is wrong, but I also know every person was made in your image and given your wisdom so I hope what I'm going to do is forgivable. 

For seventeen years, Shelby had sat stiffly in a hard wooden pew listening to her father say that sinning was unforgivable. But she'd also heard him say that just by being in his church, sitting under God and honoring Him, you were saving your soul from damnation. Shelby had been less eager to dismiss these holy contradictions lately, and after her night with Toni she couldn't even stomach them. After one night she felt happier and freer than ever before, yet she still had clammy palms as she thought about lying. 

“I-” Shelby began. “Okay, I-” She stumbled. As words spilled out, she felt like she was sliding down a hill- at some point the fall would stop, but she had no idea what condition she would be in. 

Once, Shelby returned from a day at the mall with Becca to find her mother on the phone. No, this holiday season we’ve agreed to go out of town, she was saying. We’ll be with Dave’s family. Such a shame you didn’t suggest this earlier, it would be so wonderful to see you. When Mrs. Goodkind looked up and saw Shelby standing there, sorting her shopping bags into piles and eyeing her uneasily, she sighed and said, That was your Aunt Ruth. She wants to come here for the holidays. 

Why don’t you want her to come? Shelby asked, and her mother sighed. You know I have a complicated relationship with my family, Shelby. 

So you lied? Shelby asked, barely able to process the idea. Her mother ran a hand through her neat blonde hair, seeming frazzled. God tells us not to lie, Shelby continued. I know, her mother murmured. But God understands that sometimes there is something we cannot handle. And we have to do what’s best for ourselves and trust that He loves us enough to understand. She opened her arms and Shelby walked into them, laying her head against her mother’s chest, feeling her reassuring heartbeat, and smelling fabric softener and deodorant, You mean lying isn’t always wrong? Shelby asked, feeling something powerful thrumming through her in time with her heart. Not always, Mrs. Goodkind whispered, squeezing Shelby tightly. You are a good person and even God doesn’t know that as much as I do. I know you’ll make good decisions. As Shelby was walking up the stairs, hand sliding along the smooth wooden banister as always, her mother called to her. Don’t tell your dad we talked about this she said. Shelby never had. 

Learning to lie was like a superpower. Shelby tried not to abuse it, but the memory of the tantalizing relief as her father accepted a lie she’d told and moved on wiggled its way into her mind whenever she was trapped between a rock and a hard place. In the harrowing months after Becca died Shelby had used her power a lot, although now everyone pretended she didn’t exist and they no longer cared what Shelby thought. 

She thought of this now, staring at her father, who had flared nostrils and raised eyebrows, and was clenching a glass and moving towards her. 

“I...was...at a party.” she said haltingly. 

“What did you say?”

“Andrew wanted to go!” Shelby burst out. “I didn’t drink or do anything but I was there and I was scared to tell you.” 

Her father paced the small space between the kitchen door and Shelby. “A non-church party? A...house party, with drugs and all manner of horrible things?”

“I didn’t see any horrible things and I wouldn’t have done anything if I had! I didn’t even know where we were going until Andrew had me in the car-” 

“Andrew? You expect me to believe that Andrew wanted to go to a party? I know Andrew.” 

“Wanting to go to a party doesn’t make him a bad person, Dad!” Shelby cried. Attacking your girlfriend and stranding her in public does. “Of course you know him, he’s just...stressed, school is busy and college is coming up and I’m sure he just wanted to relax. I’m so sorry I let him drag me along, but it’s not my fault, what happened isn’t my fault!” 

Desperation met her ragged vocal cords, straining to hold back tears. The imaginary party wasn’t her fault, but she felt like maybe her last, panicked sentence had been implying something deeper. Maybe she was affirming something to not only her dad but to herself. It wasn’t her fault that Andrew did what he did, and it wasn’t her fault that she wanted to get away with Toni, and it wasn’t her fault her dad was angry. 

“I can’t even look at you right now, Shelby. Go upstairs, I’m disgusted by your choices tonight. Tomorrow we’ll think about next steps.” 

Shelby stood, stunned. Next steps? She saw her world- which in one night had expanded to include a new friend, a new more than friend maybe, and the promise of a future- shrinking again, down to one solitary thing again- fear.

“Go!” he shouted. “And give me your phone. I can’t trust you to do anything anymore, can I?”

The tears welling up in Shelby’s eyes felt like shards of glass. Of course her father would sense her two hours of happiness and tear it all down. “I-I need my phone,” she murmured, halfheartedly. Since when did her father care what she needed?  
“Why the hell should I care what you want?” He was moving towards her, towering over her and shouting down onto her. Shelby winced with every word. 

“Dave,” her mother said softly. She came to just the entrance to the foyer, drying her hands on an apron and looking at the tableau of Shelby cowering before her father mildly. “Blasphemy? The day before church?” 

That calmed him. Mr Goodkind backed up, straightened his posture, and cleared his throat. Mrs. Goodkind turned to Shelby. “Honey, why do you need your phone?”

She was so relieved for even a chance to speak that the words just spilled out of here. She blinked and, miraculously, the tears receded. “I have club meetings to organize and I’m leading the church retreat committee, I can’t just leave, plus I’m waiting for an email from my chemistry teacher and she’ll be angry if I don’t read it and also…” She raised her eyebrows. “I don’t usually just not post or say anything online for a long period of time so…” 

“We do need to think about appearances,” her mother murmured. She placed a hand on Shelby’s father’s arm and gazed at him beseechingly. 

“Fine,” he snarled. “But go upstairs now and get out of my sight.” He tore Mrs. Goodkind’s hand from his arm and she lowered her head. 

Shelby didn’t push it. She darted up the stairs, shut the door gently, not daring to let it slam, and curled up in a ball on her bed. She wasn’t sure how much time she spent, curled up tightly, sucking all the air out of the small space between the pillow and the rest of the room and then gasping for more air. When she finally uncurled herself she lay flat on her back, gazing steadfastly at the ceiling. She hadn’t turned the light on before and now the dark night pressed on her, and sent winking flashes of starlight in through her windows. Shelby eased herself up, suddenly filled with purpose. 

She flipped on the light, then walked over to her bookshelf. On the middle shelf was a handsome collection of Bibles, gifts she’d been given over the years, children’s versions, coloring book versions, leather bound versions, versions with gold inked lettering. They stood in a row like soldiers, spines out. She removed one of the tomes, and pressed flat against the back of the shelf, face out, was another book. Shelby took it out and gently rubbed the soft fabric scraps cut into letters. In bits of velvet from an old dress of her mother, floral printed cotton, and fleecy gingham, letters marched across the cover, spelling out Shelby. It had been a gift from her aunt, a personalized diary. “No one else has a diary quite like this one, Shelby,” her aunt had said on Christmas day several years ago. Shelby was eight. She vowed to devote the pages to only the most special things in life, and display it proudly always. 

She’d started hiding it the week after Becca died. 

The diary had a lock; thank gosh or she would have stopped writing in it the first time she found her father going through her room. She kept the diary hidden on her shelf behind the one thing her father feared messing with when it came to her life- Bibles. The key was kept in her underwear drawer, folded inside one pair and covered with all the others. Now, Shelby found the book and the key, unlocked it, and sat on her bed to go through it. 

The earliest entries were in the blocky, colorful writing of a child. Younger Shelby had written about days at the community pool and the time she was allowed to have two whole ice cream bars. Middle school Shelby, immortalized with small, neat print and hearts over every i, had written about her first time on the church retreat planning committee and how it was an honor for anyone as young as her to be chosen. (When she’d told her father the news he had told her that she had probably gotten in because of his position as head pastor. It was what he was always like- happy for her, but with an edge.)

It was high school Shelby, in that long, frustrating summer before ninth grade, when the tone of Shelby’s entries changed. Suddenly, she was writing in black pen, digging the inky tip so deeply into the pages it looked like she was trying to hurt them. The pages were thick with ink, they screamed in rage when she opened them. She wrote about nothing, really, tests and homework, but sounded so anguished. Until the day before she kissed Becca. 

Becca is coming over tomorrow. I just got back from getting my pageant dress with Mom. It’s yellow, because we both agree it brings out my eyes. I’m glad to be feeling normal again, and be rehearsing and everything. But it’s so weird it’s like I’m always distracted. During the final dress fitting I just kept thinking about her. I’ve never had a friend like her before. I feel like she really understands me. I can’t even think about some things with her though, like how I wish someday we could live in the city far away from here or how I hate whenever she leaves my house because it’s just so sad and selfish to put that stuff on her, and I am not selfish. Still. I wonder what she would say if I did. Maybe she hates it here like I do, or feels like she doesn’t belong here. Bt that’s crazy. This is the only place I’ve ever belonged. And there’s no reason for me to feel like this, like I’m different. It’s selfish to even want to be. Still, I’m so excited to see her. 

Tears stung Shelby’s eyes again. She remembered the next day in painful detail. The bright turmeric color of her dress, and the way it constricted around her thighs when she sat on her floor, engulfed in the skirt. The bright colors on the wrappers of the candy Becca was eating while Shelby changed into her dress. You make me feel like a whale, Becca had groaned when Shelby asked her to zip up the dress. They’d both laughed. Something had felt tight in Shelby’s chest. You’re not a whale. You’re beautiful. Shelby hadn’t said. The crackling of the air once Shelby had put everything into motion and couldn’t go back. The waxy lip balm on Becca’s lips. Her shocked face when Shelby pulled away, every selfish muscle in her telling her she would regret stopping. 

And she did. 

Shelby was rocking back and forth. Tears spilled down her face, and one perfect droplet splattered onto the diary, smearing the years old ink. “Shit,” Shelby muttered. She wiped her face frantically, closed and locked the diary. She never cursed. “Shit, shit, FUCK!” She said it quietly. It felt good. Shelby jumped off the bed, impatient, and rehid the diary and key. This was a terrible idea. Now was not the time for a breakdown or reliving old memories. 

But as though she was on autopilot, she found herself getting down on her knees and reaching under the bed for her memory box. She set it in front of her, remaining kneeling on the floor. 

The lid, covered in once-bright flowered craft paper, was cracking along the sides. But the memories on top were in pristine condition. 

The one on the very top was the glossy paper from Becca's memorial. Shelby's hands shook with fury and she tried to force herself to shred it into a million pieces, but force of habit made her put it back and shove the box hard back under the bed. She could have cried for hours, but with her furious father right downstairs she couldn't let herself. Shelby grabbed her phone, looking for a game to play, some kind of escapism, but instead found herself calling up the Yellow Pages site and putting in the name Shalifoe. She had to go through half a page before realizing she had no idea how to find Toni, or barely anything about her. 

There were some moments when Shelby felt truly and absolutely done for. Moments when it seemed like night might never turn to day and she would never be able to make it out. It was all she could do to pull back her comforter and fall asleep in her clothes, grimey with the sweat of the bowling alley and moss and dirt from the woods, phone clenched in her hands. She would let her father come in here and wrestle it from her if he wanted it. She may have felt trapped but she was not giving up without a fight. 

It’s what Becca would have wanted. And what Toni inspired her to do. 

***

Usually after a big fight with her parents, Shelby woke up the next morning exhausted and frazzled. Usually the sun was shining in through the window and the smell of bacon and eggs was wafting up the stairs. Usually when she walked downstairs, tentatively, her parents had already moved on, greeted her with a big smile as though nothing happened. While it made her paranoid to never know what they were really thinking, Shelby had come to like that she could simply wait out a bad bout of arguing and then go on with her life. 

The morning after the bowling alley, however, was different. 

Shelby was roughly shaken awake so early that a misty grey dawn was resting atop the neighborhood. Her brother stood in the doorway, peering in at her uncertainly, while her father stood over her.  
“Dad?” Shelby murmured, blinking frantically to wake herself up fully. “What’s going on?” 

“Well, Shelby, we have church today and I will not have someone in my church who has not repented after a night of sinning and blasphemy. Get up now and come downstairs.” He turned and stalked towards the door.

“Dad, are you mad at Shelby?” her brother asked worriedly. 

Her father shooed him away and back downstairs. “Spencer, that’s none of your business right now. Shelby knows what she did, and that’s between her and the Lord.” 

Shelby’s heart sank. She was glad that in the night she had pulled the blanket up to her chin, her father would have been horrified that she wasn’t wearing proper attire to bed. Now, she got up, made her bed neatly, pulling each corner tight until you could flip a coin on the surface- any excuse to delay going downstairs. She pulled on athletic leggings and a soft cotton tee shirt, and put her hair in a ponytail. When she could think of no more delays, she walked to the kitchen, moving her feet as soundlessly as possible, trying to overhear something, anything. 

Instead, she was greeted with her father, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently, in the doorway. Beyond him, her mother dutifully served breakfast to Spencer and Melody, who were playing with a little plastic car, running it across each other’s arms and giggling. 

“Shelby, I believe that some things are between a person and God,” her father began, studiously. “I will need to know the full story from last night and you cannot get out of this house without being punished, I hope you were expecting this and understand my reasoning. But none of that can happen until you make peace with it yourself and invite God’s forgiveness.” 

“I know, Dad.” Shelby said. “That’s what I’ve been taught since forever, and now I teach it to everyone at the church retreat.” 

“Shelby, now isn’t the time to be talking yourself up!” Mr. Goodkind thundered. 

“O-okay, I’m sorry,” she whispered, lowering her head. 

“We’re going to go to the community center. I have one of my classes to teach, and you’re coming with me. But this isn’t going to be fun and games like when you and your little friend used to come. You’re going to do some deep thinking, ask God for forgiveness and the strength to tell the truth, and then you’re going to tell me that truth. And then we’ll go to church.”

“Okay,” Shelby said softly. No choice but to go along with it. However, the mention of Becca gutted her. She missed those days, and with one sentence from her father they came back to her- the whirring of the bikes, Becca’s bouncy chocolate colored curls, her bright smile, and the way she panted exaggeratedly when the class ended. “I’m ready to go,” she said, raising her head and meeting her father’s eyes.  
He nodded. “I’ll meet you in the car.” 

Shelby dashed upstairs, grabbed a shoulder bag, stuffed it with her phone, earbuds, gum, and a headband, and then came back down. As she opened the door, she saw her father exchange a chaste kiss with her mother, and then ruffle Spencer and Melody’s hair. Shelby suddenly felt like she was viewing them from one side of a vast tunnel- she was there, but not really. She didn’t belong. She always felt alone, left out. It was heartbreaking, how swept up and sad she felt in the moment before her father turned to leave and Shelby hurried out of the house and into the backseat of the car. 

While she waited for her father to get in the car and while they drove, because talking would be far too awkward, Shelby scrolled through Instagram. The usual inspirational posts, Bible quotes in the captions of selfies. Tons of people were posting about some big party (coincidence of coincidences) that had taken place at Brendon Matthew’s house. It was being talked about like some off-the-wall rager, but the craziest thing Shelby saw was a couple girls drinking alcohol from party balloons. As she listened to applause, snippets of pop music, and drunken breaking of things through her earbuds, Shelby wondered what conversations had gone on in those homes. Had Kristen Summer’s father put the fear of God into her, and did she tell the truth about drunkenly borrowing Brendon’s motorcycle and crashing it into a bush? (This glimpsed through Kristen’s long, confusing Instagram story.) Kristen didn’t go to Shelby’s church. Her parents did, and when people asked about their daughter they gave tight smiles and said, “She chose not to come today.” That was a family that didn’t hide their tension, their drama. 

By the time Mr. Goodkind parked the car and signed himself and Shelby in at the community center desk, he’d already said hello to five people. The receptionist, janitor, and lifeguard at the community pool greeted him by name, and nodded in recognition at her. 

Every muscle in Shelby’s body ached as she claimed a stationary bike near the back of the class. She stood by herself, waiting for her father to emerge from the changing room (he wore pristine “casual” clothes to leave the house- khakis, a polo shirt- and changed into workout gear at the community center before class.) The other participants milled around, chatting and laughing. Shelby felt a million miles away from them. 

“Pastor Goodkind has been asked to help out in another class, so this one will be delayed for about ten minutes!’ The chirpy voice of the exercise class organizer broke Shelby from her stupor. “Sorry for the delay everyone, take a break, get a snack. Do it now and the Lord will help everyone work off those calories!” 

Everyone laughed uproariously. Shelby looked around desperately for something to do. Standing alone beside her bike while everyone steadfastly ignored her had left her feeling exposed and sensitive, ten more minutes would be unbearable. Without her father there to order her around, Shelby decided to take some time for herself. She darted out of the room, down the corridor lined with other exercise classes, the gym, a cafeteria serving up nachos and perpetually lukewarm pizza, the pool, and a few staff offices, and barreled into the women’s restroom.  
Shelby took a few deep breaths, then claimed a place in front of the mirror. She tightened her ponytail, carefully lined her lips with tinted balm. She looked calm. Inside, she was a wreck. Desolate. 

She held onto the sides of one of the sinks tightly, letting the cold porcelain ground her. Why am I even feeling this way? she asked herself. Becca, if you were here, what would you say to me?

In the months after Becca’s death, Shelby had come to this community center less, unable to take the constant flashbacks. This whole town was filled with places with the same problem. It was a town of ghosts. Now, she felt more lonely than she had since those terrible first few months. 

She shouldn’t. After last night, she should feel euphoric. But the threat of having to tell her dad overwhelmed her. 

Behind Shelby, a stall door slammed open and a girl walked around. Shelby whirled around. “Toni?” 

Toni’s face read shock. “Shelby, wha-” 

“I’m here with my dad,” Shelby said hurriedly. Why did she share that? To hold Toni back? To explain why there was so much to say that she wasn’t going to?

Toni nodded grimly. “How did things, uh, go last night? With him?”

Shelby sighed. “I told him I went to a party. I just couldn’t tell the truth. Some stuff I want to...keep to myself.” Shelby looked shyly at Toni, who broke into a grin and looked down at the floor. 

“Smart. And lucky you, there was a fuckin’ rager last night. Pretty convenient, nicely done.” She tapped her head and indeed approvingly. 

“Ugh, I know, I saw,” Shelby groaned. “It looks awful. All those people I don’t like and all that empty noise. I can’t believe my dad would rather I go there than hang out with you.” 

There was an awkward pause. 

“I-oh, Toni, I’m sorry. That’s not fair.” 

“No, I mean I get it. And I’m not about to be a hypocrite, last night I said I get everything you’re going through and it’s okay and I mean that.”

Shelby nodded. Silence reigned for a minute, and then Shelby blurted, “So I’ve kinda thought about nothing but you since last night?”  
Toni smiled, still looking down, and wrapped her arms around her waist. 

“I even tried to call you?” Shelby continued, uncertainly. She wasn’t used to being so candid. A lifetime of being a pageant girl and a Goodkind had taught her skillful duplicity- polite deflection, answering a question with another question. “Just, like, to talk after my dad got upset. But I don’t have your number. Anyway, I thought I wouldn’t see you until Thursday and it was kinda keeping me going but now you’re here and I guess I should ask why?” 

“Oh. yeah.” Toni said flatly. “Martha and her family come here as like family bonding and shit every week. It’s sweet, they act like that stuffy little game room is Disneyland or something. And they bring me, so.” 

Shelby smiled. “That’s nice.” 

“I don’t mean to sound down on them or anything, it’s great, they’re great, but they just deserve better, you know? Real luxury. Real life.” 

“Everyone in this town deserves better,” Shelby murmured. 

Toni nodded vehemently. 

“Well, it’s good to see you. I should get back before my dad worries.”

“Can I still see you Thursday?” Toni blurted.

Shelby took stock. On the one hand, she felt terrified that she was rushing into something. She was terrified to pressure Toni. Maybe Toni didn’t even like her, definitely not in that way. Shelby felt selfish, that kind of greedy selfishness that she only felt once before- when she kissed Becca, thinking only about what she wanted and not what damage it could cause. 

On the other hand, She couldn’t believe how calm she was being when talking to Toni- all she could think about was her golden brown eyes and her smattering of freckles, the color of cinnamon, and how she felt ready to risk any punishment her dad could think of for more conversations with Toni. 

“Yes, it’s literally the only thing getting me through,” Shelby admitted. 

Toni beamed at her, then reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. “Maybe this is a bad idea, and I don’t want to do anything that could get you in trouble, but can I follow you? And maybe we can talk tonight?”

“Absolutely.” Shelby headed for the door, fearing she’d be late, but as she opened it, she brushed Toni’s hand with hers. “Talk to you later, star girl.” 

As she walked back to the exercise class, she felt the butterflies in her stomach going haywire. Had she really just talked with Toni? In a public bathroom? Had she really flirted with her, touched her hand? Toni made her brave.

She made it back before her father did. For all he knew, she’d never left. She mounted her bike and shifted into autopilot, peddling, leaning into the burn in her thighs as she worked. 

In the car, her father saw her climbing into the back seat, and, with a heavy sigh, he gestured for her to sit up front. “I’m impressed with your performance today, Shelby. No one knew anything was wrong. And I hope that ride helped you come to some sort of peace.” He navigated out of the parking lot. Shelby stared out the window. “Now, what really happened last night?”

Shelby clung to that one thought from after she’d seen Toni: Toni made her brave. No, that wasn’t fair to put on Toni. She was brave. The idea of Toni allowed her to tap into the bravery she always kept under the surface, more like. 

“Andrew and I broke up,” Shelby said, making her voice as honest as possible. “I was afraid to tell you, because I know us being a couple means a lot for the family and our reputation, and it’s a small town so people talk. I was...upset, and I went for a walk on my own. I know you always say it’s not safe, and there are murderers and crazy people out at night, but I just needed to think.”

“And the lie about the party? Lying is wrong, Shelby, always.”

“Andrew was at the party. I figured if I said I went then I could hide that we broke up,” Shelby said. “That’s the truth.”

Her father didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Am I still punished?” Shelby forced herself to ask. 

It was hard to know with her father. Sometimes, asking made it worse, made him more likely to inflict a punishment. Sometimes not. He was unpredictable, unflinching, unyielding. 

He sighed. “You’ve told me the truth, and I take that to mean that you truly connected with the Lord on that bike ride. If you’ve looked into your heart and God has forgiven you, then there is no punishment I can give. God’s word comes first. But so help me if I find you lying to me again…”

“No!” Shelby gasped. “You do not have to worry about that.”

“Good.”

Shelby felt shaky, her nerves like ungrounded electrical wires. She had escaped the wrath of her father and seen Toni in the span of a day. She had mourned Becca and tried to own her feelings for Toni. Shelby made a silent resolution to herself to do whatever it would take to not lose this new thing with Toni. 

She pulled out her phone and navigated to Instagram. @t0nishalif0e started following you.

Not for the first time since meeting Toni, Shelby felt hope. And terror, and anger. SHe was sick of hiding, sick of so much. Sick of being afraid. Baby steps. She could do this, reclaim her story, make the most out of her time in this ridiculous, tiny, ghost town.

As we stared at the alert, at the wonderful reminder of Toni Shalifoe contained in an Instagram page, her phone buzzed with a text. Andrew. What. The Hell? 

Thanks for never fucking texting me to aplogize. Guess that proves everything I said last night true. 

With quiet mutiny welling inside her, Shelby wrote back. Nice try. We’re done.

Her phone blew up with messages, vibrations running through her hands. She was sure they were from Andrew, and yet she was only mildly curious what he had to say. She would check it later. There was something she wanted to do first. 

Shelby returned to Instagram and opened her notifications tab, where Toni’s name was proudly displayed. Her finger came down on the follow back button. So sudden, so public. Shelby’s heart beat faster. I am brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I went for a little while without uploading and left the story on a cliffhanger. I hope this chapter makes it worth it :) it's been a busy week and I wasn't sure what direction I wanted to take the story in but I wrote this and I hope you all like it. There's some Mrs. Goodkind redemption (and more in the future I think) thanks to some of the people who commented, and the chapter is really me trying to explain how Shelby is feeling and establish her past as I write more. Thank you so much for reading, I truly never thought anyone would see this ha, so this is kinda crazy.


	4. Growing up in Reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby struggles to reconcile her new relationship with Toni with her family's values.

When Mr. Goodkind opened the front door of the house, he let it go without waiting for Shelby. She caught it with her shoulder and winced at the sudden spark of pain. So she wasn’t completely forgiven yet.

Her mother hurried out from the kitchen to greet them. She embraced Shelby’s dad, although he shook her off and stalked up the stairs to his office, and touched Shelby’s arm lightly. So that was something. “How was the class, honey?” she asked.

“It was good. People liked it, as always, and nobody knew anything was wrong.” Shelby said, her voice infused with uncharacteristic bitterness at the final words.

Mrs. Goodkind sighed. “He’s looking out for you. Looking out for all of us.”

“I know.”

“Go get ready for church, okay?” her mother said. “We should leave in twenty.” She mimed checking a watch.

“Yeah okay,” Shelby hesitated, then said, “And Mom?”

“What is it, honey?”

“Do you think this will all blow over? I was kind of hoping to make plans this week.”

Her mom gave Shelby a bright smile. “Well, of course you should be doing that at your age. Plans with who? Andrew?”

“We broke up.” Shelby bit the bullet.

Her mother’s face fell. “Why?”

“It wasn’t working,” Shelby said honestly. “I just didn’t want to stay when I wasn’t happy. And anyway, it’s a high school relationship, those don’t last forever.” She shrugged as though she was indifferent.

“Your father and I did,” Mrs. Goodkind reminded her. Awkward silence fell. “Well I’m sorry to see him go, you were such a lovely couple.” She gave Shelby a small, tight smile and walked away towards the younger kid’s rooms. “Oh, and Shelby?” She turned over her shoulder and gazed at Shelby with a fondness she hadn’t seen from her parents in years. “I'll talk to your father about letting you make some plans this week.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Shelby smiled back at her. Shelby hurried to her room and got as far as pulling her church clothes out of her dresser drawer and throwing them on the bed before she succumbed to the urge to pull out her phone.

She pulled up Toni’s Instagram and before she could feel dumb for letting Toni become just another victim of casual internet stalking, she saw Toni’s one picture and her breath caught in her throat.

In the picture, Toni sat on the roof of a truck, one arm slung over her raised knee. Toni’s body was illuminated by the sun and her hair was flowing behind her like an actress in a shampoo commercial. She wasn’t looking at the camera but instead straight ahead, with a smirk on her face. The angles in the picture were extreme, because whoever had taken it had taken it from below Toni; they made Toni stand out in sharp relief against the white sky behind her.

Just looking at her Shelby could swear she felt her lips sparking from their kiss.

The picture had been posted more than a year ago. Other than that, Toni’s profile was pretty bare- no highlights, no bio. She wasn’t following anyone Shelby recognized and they had almost no mutual followers. Seeing her followers and the warm, bubbly way Toni interacted with them in the comments of her post stung, although Shelby knew that was irrational. It reminded her that Toni had once had a different life, had moved here and gotten to reinvent herself however she chose. Shelby had never had that chance. Still, when it came to Toni, she felt magnanimous. She was happy Toni had friends, had kindness in her life to fall back on when Andrew spewed hatred at her or the Texas crowd shunned her.

Shelby wondered who had taken the picture as she pulled on her white church dress and pulled her hair back with a demure pink flowered headband. Regan? She remembered Regan’s near silence on the car ride home and suddenly felt guilty for kissing Toni and thinking about her so much since it happened. Well, thinking about her in general. Shelby spent more time than she would ever reveal thinking about Toni- savvy ways to get her attention and show that she was more than a spoiled pageant princess, what she would say if she and Toni were ever randomly assigned to be lab partners, what it would be like to kiss her.

Though Shelby’s heart fluttered just thinking about their kiss, she knew that now Regan would be in her head. Regan would become another excuse to feel guilty about her feelings for Toni- not because of the obvious reasons, but because she felt like she was forcing Toni to turn her back on Regan.

_Please_ , Shelby laughed at herself. _As though you would ever have that power over Toni._ Toni’s refusal to let anyone else control her was one of the things Shelby admired about her.

Maybe Martha had taken the picture. Martha was a sweet girl. She was in Shelby’s English class. She seemed to have a crippling fear of public speaking- poor thing, Shelby’s heart went out to her, she had dealt with the same thing and been forced rather unceremoniously to get over it once she started doing pageants- but always volunteered to read aloud when everyone else in class smirked and threw spitballs and slumped in their chairs. Shelby didn’t know her or why she and Toni had moved together; their friendship seemed to transcend her comprehension. But it was actually really sweet.

Shelby dabbed on the tiniest bit of strawberry lip gloss and met her own eyes in the mirror above her vanity table. “Get a grip, Goodkind,” she muttered to herself through clenched teeth. “This is...wrong. Friends and nothing more, friends at the most.”

Did she admire Toni? Yes. Did she once wake up in the middle of the night with a realization and stay up until dawn, weeping and hugging her knees, when she admitted to herself that she liked Toni? Like, liked her like she was supposed to like Andrew? Yes. But she wasn’t going to let those feelings win out. She was strong enough to keep her head down and live through her crush. That kiss was a one time thing.

Still, maybe there was nothing wrong with being Toni’s friend. Her parents didn’t even have to know. She could say Toni was new and Shelby was showing her the ropes. Shelby had strategies for surviving in this town. She could employ them now.

Friends could text, right?

Shelby picked up her phone and composed a quick message to Toni. _Hi star girl, how’s the family bonding going?_ She looked at the message and the blinking cursor, encouraging her to go on, pour out her soul. Her mother shouting up the stairs that it was time to go startled her to action and she sent the text. As the first message in a new conversation, it lurked at the top of her screen, throwing her words back in her face. For just a moment, the unsend button tempted her, but she chose to ignore it.

As she walked out of the house and towards the car, Spencer came up next to her and slid his hand into hers. “I’m not mad at you, Shelby,” he said, giving her his usual sweet smile. “Even if Daddy is.”

Shelby ruffled his hair (the same way Toni ruffled Regan’s last night, she realized) and he giggled. “Don’t you worry, things with me and him are fine.”

“Okay!” he said in the cheerful, innocent way of children. He skipped ahead of her and clambered into the car. She was glad their conversation was over, but the realization that her assurance was untrue stung a bit.

The drive to the church was nearly silent, broken only by the kids who were playing some kind of game with points that involved kicking Shelby’s father’s seat. She could see his body growing tenser with each kick, veins popping and fists clenching, and she stared out the window disparagingly, waiting for his inevitable snap.

When they passed the bowling alley, Ms. Goodkind looked at Shelby in the rearview mirror and asked her, “Did you have fun last night? Before...the breakup?”

Shelby answered yes with honesty.

In the parking lot of the church, Mr, Goodkind plastered a smile on his face as people streamed past. Through the phony smile and clenched teeth he warned them about sitting quietly, being friendly, and praising his own rehabilitation program with several young “troubled” boys from the neighborhood. Shelby pulled out her phone to distract herself when he said that, knowing tears were, again, imminent if she didn’t.

Toni had messaged her back. A surge of excitement went through Shelby.

“Shelby, put that phone away when your father is talking,” her mother scolded. “Who are you talking to instead of listening?”

“My English project partner,” Shelby responded immediately. The lie was so obvious she wondered why she had never used it before, but then she remembered- she’d never let herself have a secret like this one before.

Her mother sighed. “Send your message before you get out of the car. It looks rude to text in front of people. And church is not the place to look rude.”

_i don't recommend playing the game of life unless you want to have a mini existential crisis at 10 am but other than that it's going fine_ Toni had written.

Shelby rubbed her upper lip to mask the smile that spread across her face. _that game should come with a warning label_ she typed back. Boom, send. Her confidence in talking to Toni was growing.

The church hummed with energy. Dozens of small groups stood talking, their voices creating an incomprehensible din. The organ was being played. Shelby usually liked its rich sound, how she could listen to it instead of her preaching, hypocritical father. But today it felt like a hammer, crushing her. She was so distracted. Every time she blinked she saw Toni smiling, saw her shocked (and maybe slightly impressed) face in the wake of Shelby kissing her. It made Shelby fidgety. She shredded her thumbnail, picking at the skin around the nail bed until she felt pain. Sharp, grounding pain.

The first woman of the day came right up to them almost as soon as they stepped through the doors. Myrtle, who wore a violently large lilac hat every week and used to babysit for the Goodkinds when Shelby was young. She clasped Shelby’s dad’s hands and exclaimed, “Pastor! Lovely to see you.”

“The same to you, Myrtle,” her father said. He had a special talent for making people respect him, making them like him even. Maybe his rakish smile, maybe his tendency to remember everyone’s names and dog’s names and favorite food from the church potluck. People liked to feel known.

Once a day every month, Shelby walked downstairs to find his group of troubled men meeting in the living room, the French doors shut so Shelby had no idea what was going on. She would catch a glimpse of her father’s disciples, no more than boys, hunched over, head buried in their hands, tears spilling down their cheeks. Every month she wondered why they trusted him, why his word should be the supreme word of God or the advice they took. Were they so desperate they just blindly trusted him to help? Maybe they didn’t even need help. Then she would find herself doing some absentminded task, cleaning or watching TV, and Toni would drift into her mind. The Toni she imagined seemed backlit by golden light, like an angel. She smiled, laughed, tossed her curly hair. Shelby was struck with a yearning, a desperate need and that’s when she reminded herself, every single month without fail, why those men depended on her father. Any help was better than floundering alone. They were desperate. Scared. Shelby might have been like them and fessed up, might have told her father she was desperate for help to make these feelings go away, if not for what happened with Becca. Becca, saving her life even after she was gone.

Shelby was numb, lost in memories, as her family worked their way deeper into the church. The trip was slow going, her father stopping at nearly every pew to shake hands and catch up. She knew it was dangerous to not be keeping herself aware, have a smile on her face and stiff, perfect posture, but her mind felt cloudy. The desire to see if Toni had messaged her back was so strong.

The only thing that pulled her back to reality was Melody skipping up to her. “Look, there’s Andrew!” she said happily. She smiled up at Shelby then seized her hand and started pulling. “Let’s go say hi!”

Melody was much lighter than her but Shelby was so shocked that she actually allowed herself to be pulled along towards them until they were nearly face to face. When it seemed that their reunion was inevitable, Shelby wrenched her hand away from her sister. Melody turned and looked at her, massaging her wrist. Her face was screwed up the way it got when she was trying not to cry.

Shelby dropped to her knees and caressed her sister’s face. Guilt was upon her faster than a flash flood. “Oh no, Mel, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry.”

Melody’s lip quivered. “L-look,” she whimpered, holding out her wrist.

Shelby held it gently and examined it. There were no marks on it, a relief. Shelby had expected angry finger marks of the kind Andrew inflicted on her. (The marks were still there this morning, and she’d hidden them by wearing a dress with bell sleeves.) Shelby patted Melody’s arm gently. “You’re fine, I promise but I’m so sorry for scaring you. Do you feel better?”

Melody looked at her with watery eyes, but she nodded.

“Let’s go back to Daddy, okay?” Shelby said, relieved. She stood, turned, and bumped straight into Andrew’s dad.

He whirled around angrily. “Excuse m- Shelby! Hello!”

His cover was instantaneous, from irate to jubilant. That’s how it was around here. The irateness was like seeing a turtle out of its shell. His return to form was his protection. Kindness didn’t prompt questions. It was how Shelby had made it this far.

“Andrew said you had a nice night last night, very good to hear,” he said.

“Young kids in love,” his mother sighed, turning around from her conversation and leaning against her husband.

The word “love” made Shelby squirm. It was ridiculous, but she almost felt the finger marks on her arm throb.

“Hi Andrew’s parents!” Melody said, fearlessly butting into the conversation. Clearly no one could see the hurricane of emotions brewing inside Shelby.

Time to be fearless. She imagined telling Toni about this, imagined her being proud. She felt stupid for this, Toni probably didn’t even care about her. Maybe she’d just taken pity on her last night, even though she denied that. But it motivated her nonetheless.

“Actually, we broke up.” Shelby said boldly. She felt good as she said it. She hurled the words like they were weapons.

But when she said it, the entire room seemed to go silent. _That’s your imagination,_ Shelby told herself nervously. Andrew’s parents went white as a sheet.

“Broke up? But...what about Texas A&M? You were going to go together.” Andrew’s mother grasped her husband’s arm for support as she said this.

The mention of college felt like tugging at one string on an old sweater- pull too hard and the whole thing unravels. Shelby watched a whole future collapse before her eyes like a row of dominos. College, buying a house, kids, mixed family Thanksgivings. Shelby would grow quiet and less defiant with time, have pearls the size of gumballs in her ears and adorning her neck. Andrew would lash out more, trap her in their comfortable suburban existence. She clenched her fists at her side. No. That would not be her destiny. She was going to get out of this town and live a better life than Andrew and his miserable family.

“Honey,” Andrew’s father said. “I'm sure there’s a good reason. And nothing that can’t be fixed.” He looked pointedly at Shelby. “Yes!” his mother exclaimed. “What happened Shelby? Tell us everything. You can trust us.”

That was Texas for you. Zero concept of personal boundaries. Why shouldn’t Shelby spill her heart out about their relationship? Not like she deserved any rights or autonomy.

She was stumbling over her words, trying to eke out an answer, when she saw Andrew. Sensed him, really. It was obvious every time he stepped into a room. Her peripheral vision picked up his large frame and blue checkered shirt as he picked his way easily through the room. “Shelby.” he said simply when he saw her, face devoid of emotion. Then he noticed his parents. “Babe!” he added. His words were loving but his voice was empty of all emotion. “I missed you, it’s so good to see-”

“Did you and Shelby break up?” his mom gasped, grabbing him and hugging him with an intensity Shelby’s mother never matched. Her mother hugged like she was made of glass and too much pressure could shatter her.

“-You.” Andrew finished, color drawing from his face. He looked at Shelby in horror. _What the fuck?_ he mouthed, hugging his distraught mother.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” His mother demanded, planting angry fists on his chest.

“Mom, please, nothing is set in stone yet and I didn’t want to tell you until we work this stuff out.” He met Shelby’s eyes, ordering her to play along with a look.

“Honey, you should keep your voice down in church,” his father said, sotto voice.

“Go with Shelby and work this out.” his mother insisted. “What you have is too special to throw it away.”

Andrew obediently moved towards Shelby but for once, Shlby let herself come first. She turned her back on him and walked hastily back towards her family. Melody was there already, happily sitting in Mr. Goodkind’s arms. She must have grown bored and left during the confrontation.

Andrew was following her. His hand just brushed her sleeve but she shook him off and pressed on. “Shelby,” he hissed. “Jesus, can we talk about this?”

“Excuse me young man?” Shelby had reached her family, and Andrew had used the Lord’s name in vain in front of the pastor. Mr. Goodkind had a cold smile on his face as he stared at Andrew. Andrew began to stutter an apology but Mr. Goodkind cut him off. “I would sit down.” he said evenly. “Listen to what I have to say today and let it in. Never use that kind of language again.”

Andrew lowered his head. “Yes sir.” He walked swiftly away and was lost in the crowd. Shelby’s heart was racing.

“He’s been like that for months,” she told her father. Her pathway out of this mess and back into her father’s good graces suddenly appeared before her. Mr Goodkind shook his head sadly and made a tsk tsking noise. “Being Godless.” The phrase brought her a devious pleasure- he had been being Godless, just not in the way her father was imagining. “I deserve better, someone who really serves the Lord. I had to break up with him.”

Her father nodded solemnly. “Well I’ll admit I don’t know if I would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it first hand. I’ve never seen that from Andrew. But I understand.”

He strode to the front of the church, ready to start service, and Shelby understood that that was as close to an apology as she was ever going to get. She slid into a pew and sat demurely. The service began, her father trodding the same path and holding up the same Bible he had since she was a little girl. Shelby spent the sermon crafting texts in her head to Toni to tell her what had happened.

***

After the service, her father stuck around to talk to other members of the church. Mrs. Goodkind shepherded Shelby and the kids outside and in the direction of the yard of the church. It was a beautiful day. The grass was candy green. The warm air and bright sky made Shelby shiver and blink after the frigid air conditioning and dull church lighting. The sunlight lit on the top of Shelby’s meticulously straightened hair in a halo shape.

Shelby and her mother sat on a bench next to the front path of the church. Spencer and Melody ran around the yard, laughing, and were joined after a little while by some other church kids. Their mothers talked in tight circles and held their large cross necklaces, glancing over at their kids every so often.

“I’m sorry about Andrew,” Mrs. Goodkind said.

“Why, because we were such a great couple? I’ve heard that a lot today.” The confrontation with Andrew’s parents had rattled her.

“I’m sorry because losing someone who was important to you is never easy,” her mother corrected. “You guys had a whole future. You were going to apply to the same school just a few months from now. I’m not mad you left like your father was this morning but I am sorry.”

_You want to talk about losing someone important? Then why did I have to sneak out to go to my best friend's funeral? You didn’t care so much then._ The furious words sat on the tip of her tongue.

“Thanks,” she got out.

“There’s your father.” Mrs. Goodkind pointed, and beckoned to Shelby’s siblings.

“Mom,” Shelby caught her mother’s arm and spoke urgently. “You said you would talk to Dad about my punishment, you know for…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it. “Anyway, I have plans to meet my partner for that English project this Thursday. Can you talk to Dad and see if he’ll still let me go?”

“I’ll try.” Mrs. Goodkind patted Shelby’s hand and started towards her husband. “I’m sure he’ll let you, he knows how important your schoolwork is.”

In the car her mother gushed praise about the sermon. Shelby sat in the backseat playing with the kids to avoid being drawn into the conversation. The second the car pulled into the driveway and came to a stop, Shelby was out, running into the house and up the stairs. She was barely breathing as she unlocked her phone and pulled up her messages with Toni. Shelby couldn't remember being this excited about anything...well, ever.

_lol_ Toni had said, only ten minutes after Shelby’s message. Shelby had left her on delivered for over two hours. What a crappy friend she was acting like. _but yeah that’s my boring day. what are you doing today?_

_church and a super fun confrontation with andrew. oh we broke up btw._ After sending that she dropped the phone on the bed and paced the room, tense as a caged animal. What was she expecting Toni to say? She was putting so much on her and they’d only been on speaking terms for two days.

The second her phone let out a little bloop indicating a new message Shelby was diving onto the bed and scooping up the phone.

_woah_ Toni had said. _how do you feel? that’s huge._

_relieved_ Shelby said with an honesty she’d never show to her parents. _i don’t even want to think about what it would be like if i just stayed with him forever like our families want._

The three typing dots came up and then Toni’s message popped up, filling Shelby with warmth for Toni. _family pressure. yeah i feel that._

_care to share?_ Shelby wrote back, unable to believe herself. She was texting Toni. She was being flirty and cracking little sarcastic jokes. She’d been unable to picture this just yesterday, how was that possible?

_sure i mean it’s nothing much i just get having people having expectations or thinking they know you and what you want but really they’re just putting their own stuff on you or whatev._

Shelby’s heart went out to her. Maybe this was why she’d graviated to Toni all those months ago, maybe she’d sensed their similarities under everything. And maybe if that was true- Shelby’s heart did cartwheels at her next thought- maybe Toni hadn’t been lying or pitying her last night when she’d said they seemed similar. Maybe she wasn’t lying about Shelby being interesting. About wanting to spend more time with her. This was the extent of Shelby’s self doubt. Even though they’d made plans again, plans that Toni, who had no trouble shutting down a smug teacher or rude teammate, did not have to indulge, Shelby still didn’t believe it was real.

She had stopped believing people right after Becca died, probably. When she realized everyone around here just acted like a good person but really they didn’t care about anything but their own image.

Their conversation flowed naturally after that. Shelby wasn’t second guessing every message. Toni was as kind and hilarious as she’d been last night; it hadn’t just been an exceptionally good dream.

Toni had an edge, Shelby saw it. She wasn’t delusional. Toni cursed a lot, she said something and then apologized quickly, like she was worried about scaring Shelby off. Shelby shouldn’t like her. She’d been trained to distrust people like Toni. But instead, Toni’s absolute lack of good Texas values drew Shelby in more.

When her mother called Shelby to dinner she had a hard time ending things, inching towards the door in order to cram in a few more messages. Sitting at the table, she barely heard the clanging of pots and the conversation as Spencer and Melody caught Mr. Goodkind up on their days. Her mind was far away, drafting messages to Toni. Everything from _what’s your favorite kind of candy?_ to I _think I’ve liked you since the first moment I saw you._

Spencer bumped her arm, jolting Shelby back to reality. Everyone was seated; water, sweet tea, cornbread, and meatloaf had been served. Shelby held out her hands, her father and Spencer took them, and her father led grace. They all bowed their heads, hands forming a chain around the table, as her father thanked God for the feast before them and wished for good health for them all.

Dinner was a blur, Shelby’s mind was upstairs with her phone. When she was excused her heart told her to race upstairs, shut the door, and text Toni immediately, but instinct and years of habit told her that the best way to avoid questions from her overly suspicious parents would be to help clear the table and load the dishwasher. Eventually, her mother left to bring the kids to bed and her father, who had barely been helping anyway, flopped down on the couch and flipped on the game. Shelby did almost everything, spraying acidic smelling cleanser and scrubbing the counters and table before murmuring a goodnight to her father as she left the room.

“Shelby,” her father called, pulling Shelby back. She clenched her fists but put an agreeable smile on her face. “Your mother talked to me and told me some of what she thinks you’re going through. I know you had some confrontation with Andrew today and I know you’re dealing with a lot. So I have decided to not punish you. But Shelby...you know what you did was wrong. And you know what this family’s values are. I promise you if anything like it happens again this conversation will go very differently. This town watches, and so does God. I know you know that but it seems like you haven’t been caring as much as you should lately.” He gave her a firm nod, and turned back to the game, satisfied.

“Thank you, I understand,” Shelby croaked. She fled. It was only when she had shut her door tightly and was leaning against it, holding the knob to keep her hands steady, that she realized her heart was thudding painfully in her chest and her eyes burned as she held back tears.

This family and its values. Shelby had been so stupid, arrogant even, to think she could cast them aside like an old sweater.

Her phone buzzed and her stomach leapt. How quickly- a little more than a day- she had come to associate that perfectly banal sound with Toni. She crossed the room to pick up the device and her feet suddenly ached. Her nails had carved crescent moon shapes into her palms from clenching her fists.

The alert was an email from her English teacher inviting students to a book of the month club. That should have been a sign. She should have turned it to Do Not Disturb and moved on. Gotten a head start on homework or signed up for the book club. Typical Shelby.

Instead, her hands rebelled against her mind. They sought out Toni’s latest batch of messages.

_ha yeah and have you noticed how she eats the same kind of salad for lunch every day? what kind of robot move is that_ Toni had said, followed by, _oh yeah totally have a good dinner bye._

They’d been talking about their Spanish teacher before Shelby had to go. Reading Toni’s response made her laugh out loud, a sudden laugh that spilled out of her, sounding strangled and sad as humor mixed with held back tears. She liked the message. She told herself to exit the app but then Toni wrote again. _hey you’re back_ Toni said.

Shelby’s breath caught, her chest burned with everything she was holding back.

_how was dinner?_

Shelby yearned to write back. But all the fear she’d let slip away yesterday was piling on again.

Another message. _prom queen yooo._

Bloop, another. _what’s uppp._

The hilarity of Toni vying for her approval and Shelby leaving her on seen was too much to bear. She quickly turned her phone to muted, plugged it in with shaking fingers, and turned it off. Shelby ripped her church clothes that she hadn’t bothered to take off, so naively thrilled to talk to Toni, over her head. She kicked the discarded clothing across the floor, climbed into bed, and aggressively yanked her blankets over her head.

She breathed hard, rage and self hatred filling up the small space under the covers until the air was gone and she was gasping for more.

She was so angry and desperate to know what Toni was thinking that every second seemed like a lifetime. The night was pitch black, the kind of night that presses on your eyelids and feels so heavy it could crush you. When Shelby threw back her covers, plastering them next to her waist with her arms, she could barely sense the difference between the dark room and her blanket prison.

This family and its values. Toni’s soft lips and her tiny, shocked smile when they broke apart. The events of the past two days rang in her head, thoughts clanging together like church bells. Night slogged towards day, an uncertain day Shelby was in no way ready to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't the most action packed but I hope you like the deep dive into Shelby's head. Angst and Shoni fluff is coming up, so I hope you stick around! This chapter has been delayed because school is absolutely kicking my ass but I'm going to try to write and update sooner next chapter. I love y'all, thank you for reading and commenting and leaving kudos, it means the world to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first time ever publishing so any comments will mean a lot to me and please tell me if I should add more chapters! Thank you so much for reading, I'm so anxious about publishing my stuff but I'm also so happy to be doing it. I already know this piece will have a happy ending so if you ship shoni I hope the ending (in a later chapter) will make you as happy as it makes me :)


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